SHAKESPEARE IN LUST!
History's greatest playwright was more indecent than Howard Stern, researchers now say
By Mike Foster
MOST Americans think of William Shakespeare as a high-brow intellectual -- but researchers say the bawdy bard was a foul-mouthed horndog obsessed with sex and bodily functions, whose plays were packed with obscenity and racy themes!
"Shakespeare was the greatest writer in the English language, but he also was one of the most offensive -- his vulgarity makes Howard Stern seem like Mr. Rogers," declares British lecturer Robert Williams.
"He even uses the "C" word -- something even the raunchiest rap artist of today wouldn't dare to do."
The 16th-century playwright's naughty side is often overlooked because he frequently used puns to sneak filth into his plays and much of the profane language he employed is now obsolete.
"For example, when Hamlet orders Ophelia 'Get thee to a nunnery,' he was using Elizabethan slang for 'whorehouse,' " notes Williams.
Another reason many people are clueless about Shakespeare's steamy side is that dialogue deemed too explicit for family consumption has been excised from many texts, stage productions and movies.
Most famously, in 1818, Thomas Bowdler and his sister published Family Shakespeare, in which they deleted everything they considered lewd.
But dirty as Shakespeare was with a pen, the potty-mouthed playwright was even coarser in person.
"Legend has it he and fellow playwright Christopher Marlowe would get drunk at taverns and make a contest of hurling colorful, pornographic insults at each other," reveals Williams.
Here are some examples of Shakespeare's risque writing:
THE C-WORD (Hamlet, Act III, Scene II) -- Hamlet asks Ophelia, "Lady, shall I lie in your lap?" Ophelia replies, "No, my lord." Hamlet, feigning shock, says, "Do you think I meant country matters?" -- emphasizing the first syllable of "country."
BREAKING WIND (Othello, Act III, Scene I) -- The Clown, punning on the phrase "thereby hangs the tale," wisecracks that a tail hangs "by many a wind instrument that I know."
URINATION (Twelfth Night, Act II, Scene V) -- Malvolio says, "There be her very C's, her U's, and her T's; and thus makes she her great P's."
MENSTRUATION (King Lear, Act III, Scene VI) -- The Fool puns, "Her boat hath a leak." Leak was slang for period.
HOT INTERRACIAL SEX (Othello, Act I, Scene I) -- Iago breaks the news to Brabantio that his daughter Desdemona has been sleeping with Othello by saying, "an old black ram is tupping your white ewe." He also warns that the lovers are "making the beast with two backs."
FEMALE PRIVATES (Troilus and Cressida, Act V, Scene II) -- Troilus says scornfully of Cressida, any man "can take her cliff." Cliff was slang for the female sex organ.
ENEMAS (Othello, Act II, Scene I) -- As Cassio kisses Desdemona's fingers, Iago says, "Would they were clyster-pipes" -- meaning enema tubes.
VENERAL DISEASE (Troilus, Act II, Scene III) -- Thersites mentions "the Neapolitan bone-ache" -- slang for the pain associated with syphilis.
MALE PRIVATE PARTS (Measure for Measure, Act III, Scene II) -- When Claudio is sentenced to death for fornication, Lucio exclaims, "Why, what a ruthless thing is this ... for the rebellion of a codpiece to take away the life of a man!" A codpiece was a decorative bag men wore over their privates -- and here refers to the privates themselves.
RAPE (Titus Andronicus, Act II, Scene IV) -- Two brothers rape Lavinia then cut off her tongue to silence her. Sickeningly, they cut off her hands so she can't write notes either.
CROSSDRESSING (Twelfth Night) -- Viola disguises herself as a man -- a plot device that disturbs modern family-values activists. Not long ago, schools in Merrimack, N.H., banned the play after the school board prohibited "alternative lifestyle instruction."
Submitted by Pasadena Phil
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