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Strange Definitions
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Caterpillar: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Chickens: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Craughed: To laugh and cry simultaneously.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way. (thanks to Bob Z)
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Flusterpated: Being so flustered that words get bound up inside you.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Handkerchief: Cold Storage.
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Instigator: What you add water to when you want an alligator. (thanks to PTA)
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O. J. trials were a prime example.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Lasterday: Any day before today.
Left Bank: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot.
Misty: How golfers create divots.
Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Paradox: Two physicians.
Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
Perfect Pitch: What it is when you throw a banjo in a dumpster and it didn't hit the sides.
Petranoid: Someone who is both petrified and paranoid. Usually a mother. (thanks to King Bewildered)
Pharmacist:: A helper on the farm.
Phonecrastinate: To put off answering the phone until caller ID identifies the caller.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size six.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
Subdued: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government official.
Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Syndrome: Committing wrongdoing in the Vatican. (thanks to Jeff Dudley)
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
Vocabularian: A person who makes up new words.
Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
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